An Invitation

Next month, I will be baptized. My confession today is that it's not the first time. I was baptized as a young girl, around 8. I went to a private school so I'm sure they told us that this is what we should do if we want to choose Jesus. I believe I did it with a solid understanding that I should be obedient.

My church participates in baptisms every few months and it floors me everytime. The last one I witnessed, I didn't know any single person that was climbing into that tank and yet I sobbed and snotted and sniffed through the entire thing. I couldn't even sing through the songs because the ache in my heart was so strong. I realized then that although there was joy for the sweet souls in that water, there was jealousy in my heart that I didn't have a connection to my baptism. As a matter of fact, I didn't remember it at all. I knew it happened because I'd seen pictures, but I don't remember if anyone prayed for me. I don't remember if I felt different, or cold, or who the person even was that plunged me into the water. I'd mentioned this before to other pastors and mentors and always received the same response. It's fine. It doesn't matter that you don't remember, God remembers. But this time, when I brought it up to my precious pastor, she said with enthusiasm "Do it again!" She said I was too young and I should sign up. So I did. And isn't God funny, because almost a week later I stumbled accross this picture. And it broke my heart. Check out little girl Erin in her Tree of Life spirit gear and tiny painted fingernails and let me explain why.

This little girl was in second grade.  She had hair bigger than a mountain and a voice that was barely heard outside of family. She was shy and spent most of her recess following the teacher on duty around instead of playing with kids. In truth, she didn't know how to play normally with other kids. Because this little girl, this same exact year and then some, was being sexually abused by two different people. Her hair and nails and tiny body would have you believe she was 8, but her mind was 58. Her heart did truly want to seek Jesus, but her spirit was being violently fought for. This left her living two completely seperate lives, and neither of them were typical for a second grader. She yearned to please the people she loved, her parents, her God, her teachers, everyone in authority. But the beast that had taken place in her spirit constantly reminded her of the secrets she hoarded and wore like a weighted blanket. This little girl knew shame in the worst way. She would spend the better part of the next 30 years feeling like a fraud no matter who she was with. No one could really know her. There were no real friends because she became who she was with to try to mask who she really was. Because she believed so deeply that she was broken. That God screwed up the formula. He gave her a desire to be better, but she couldn't live up to it. And failure wasn't failure unless she tried, so she gave that up too. She was lost here in this pool surrounded by chairs of clapping parents. And she was lost for so long afterwards.

But, my friends, that's not the end of the story. 

That little girl was rescued. She found healing. She found community. She found her way out of the darkness because God lit up her path and walked with her around every corner. He carried her when she was weary and claimed her in victory. The beast was silenced.

So. On January 12th, during second service at Life. I will again enter that water. Only this time, I will enter as a woman. A woman who is 38 yet has the restored joy and peace that was taken from the little girl above. A woman that knows she isn't broken because her pieces have been melded back together by the finest of gold. A woman that still knows shame but rejects it in Jesus name. A woman that isn't afraid to show you where she has been, but doesn't stay there. A woman that is saying I will not live as two characters in my own story any longer. I am whole. I am free. I am not a fake. And I choose to say YES to Jesus. 

Come and be witness. Consider yourself invited. I'm so EXCITED!

 https://youtu.be/EY-2IMOwA4U